My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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