The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Congratulations! We have a period
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
