How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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