my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
