Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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