She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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