Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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