and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We need to get me chipped asap
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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