I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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