can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
