I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
