Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
