I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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