I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
did you just send me my own nude
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
