um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
