By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
