I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
