She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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