Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
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I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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