Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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