I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
