It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
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No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
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Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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