when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
