what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
