so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
