i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
