I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
