How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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