jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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