you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
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Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
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Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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