I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
