There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
