My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
