They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
