so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
