like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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