It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Randomize
