do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
