Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
