sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
