If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
