Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
