I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
