I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
