The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
