Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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