She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
