our cab driver is having phone sex.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
