I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
