why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
