I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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