we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He passed out mid-signature
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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