I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
