I cannot find my penis.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
