Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
