I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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